I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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