You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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