Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
