I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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