I am in a vortex of obligation.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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