I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Houston, we have a squirter
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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