don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
