I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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