My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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