He had one of those small greek statue penises
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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