no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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