Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
