you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
