if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
