i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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