Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
