You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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