i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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