why didn't you poke me back
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
