Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
