I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
