I just gift wrapped bread.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
