I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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