She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
