foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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