We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
