my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
