I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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