I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
