I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
They took my balls.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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