Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
