Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
