good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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