God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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