This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
