Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
