even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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