bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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