I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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