I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
