How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
