I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
