I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
