Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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