So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
