Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dick very happy bro
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
