So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
