census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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