Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
