So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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