i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
