So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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