Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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